என்ன தவம் செய்தனை?

கலாம் - இந்த காந்த பெயரின் உருவாய் வாழ் மாமனிதரின் பெருவாழ்வு, முடிவு பெற்றது. முடிவு கொண்டது உருவம் தானே தவிர உணர்வு அல்ல. துணிவும், மனவலிமையும், நேர்மையும், நேயமும் ஒன்று சேர்ந்த, உயர்ந்தவர். கனவுகளுக்குப் புதிய இலக்கணம் கொடுத்தவர்.

அக்னி குஞ்சொன்று கண்டேன் - அதை

அங்கொரு காட்டிலோர் பொந்திடை வைத்தேன்

வெந்து தணிந்தது காடு, தழை

வீரத்தில் குஞ்சென்றும் மூப்பென்றும் உண்டோ?

அவரை பற்றி முன்னமே அறிந்ததனாலேயே, பாரதி முன்னுரை எழுதிவிட்டான் போலும்.

பாரதியின் அக்னி அன்றோ - அவர்

விஞ்ஞானம் பயின்ற பாரதியன்றோ!

அந்த அக்னியின் சிறகுகள்,

பாரதத்தையே புரட்டிபோட்டனவே!!

அவருடைய சிந்தனைகளும், வழி காட்டுதலும், எண்ணங்களும், வெறும் ஏட்டிலே ஏத்திட அல்ல. பல இளைய நெஞ்சங்களில் தைத்திட. இந்தியா மட்டுமின்றி, இவ்வுலகமே அவருக்காக இரங்குகிறது . அவர் ஜாதிகளை, மதங்களை, மொழிகளை, அரசியல் சாயங்களை மட்டுமின்றி எல்லைகளையும் கடந்தவர்.

அவர் பெயரில் அரசு சாரா நிறுவனம் நிறுவிட வேண்டும். வெவ்வேறு வயதுடைய மாணவர்கள், பல அறிவியல் கண்டுபிடிப்புகள் புரிய, ஆய்வு கூடங்கள் அமைத்திட வேண்டும். அவர்களின் தனித்துவமான  கண்டுபிடிப்புகளுக்கு பேடன்ட் உரிமம் வழங்கிட வேண்டும். பள்ளிகள் மற்றும் கல்லூரிகள் அனைத்தும் ஒன்றிணைந்து இதனை செய்திட வேண்டும்.

சிறந்த மாணவர்களுக்கும்,  படைப்புகளுக்கும், அவரது பெயரில் விருது வழங்கிட வேண்டும். இவை அனைத்தும், அரசியில் நிழல் படாமல் இருந்திட வேண்டும்.

இந்தியத்தாயே, என்ன தவம் செய்தனை? உலகம் போற்றும், ஓர் உன்னத மகனைப்  பெற்றிட!!! தலை வணங்குகிறோம்!!!

Heritage different from Religion?!

I was listening to a tamil speech by a woman lecturer. She is a Muslim woman. In her speech she said, "Seetha and kannagi are my great grandmothers". She insisted that she found her heritage from them. She added that religion is a matter of past few hundred years, but heritage is a treasure passed down every generation, for past thousands of years.

I, till now, strongly believed that heritage and religion are plaited with each other and can never be differentiated. But the view that, 'I own the heritage of my country and will gladly appreciate and pass it on, irrespective of the religion I follow and God that I worship', breaks up the taboo that has been clinging onto the religion. I feel that an elevated perspective like this only, can make people come out of their ignorance and embrace and cherish the diversities. If we can look at an aged Masjid and a temple as our heritage, we won't let any harm, even to a single stone in it.

When a little Muslim girl can learn Bhagavad Gita by heart, why am I reluctant to learning Bible? Seriously, I felt ashamed. An easy solution, that I felt, to end wars on the name of religion is to stop holding only to our faiths, but to acknowledge and absorb the best from rest.

A fear raged in my head, when i started writing this article, that this is a sensitive topic and I might earn dislikes. But every religion is about love and peace and it's a shame, if we are scared to talk about them.  I feel enlightened today and I am going to talk about this to my family. I am happy that, soon the world will be a lovely and beautiful place to live. Cherish the heritage of the land and love the God you trust in, without mixing them and complicating.

Guy Next Door - Part 1

"Reshma hurry up. It's already late", shouted dad. Mom was  busy checking the luggages that were loaded in the car. I went running to the car and got into my favourite front  passenger seat. I always loved that seat as its more spacious and gives a wider view of the world around me. I am an IT girl and go to work with my dad, everyday. In the mornings, I love watching people moving like busy bees. I have observed all possible permutations and combinations of faces and emotions. I have seen the most beautiful ones and not so beautiful ones. I have seen the happy faces and secret tears. I have seen the stunning attire and rugged ones. I always felt like watching a 30 minute silent movie everyday. At nights, while returning, I simply lean back and watch the street light reflections, moving from down to up on the windscreen.

Today, I am sitting on that very seat, which I am going to miss for an year from now. I am on my way to airport and in another 3 hours, I will be on the flight to US. I am going for the implementation and support, for my project. Going to US, for a Software Engineer, is more or less similar to a pilgrimage to Mecca, Vatican or Varanasi.

"Is everything alright with check-in?", asked dad. I simply nodded. My mom is in the verge of tear break out. I avoided looking at her. If I console her, she would start her tantrums, to stop me from leaving. I am their only child and never stayed away from my mom. She always kept me in her vicinity and loved me more than anything or anybody.

It is an awesome sight to see the city from high above. Everything that looked massive is now shrunk like toys. I tried locating my house, but the whole city started shrinking and finally contracted into a single point and vanished. It's pitch dark and I am already missing my mom. All the little memories that I saved in my heart are flashing in front of my eyes. I know she will not sleep tonight. She will be praying for my safety, all night. I love you mom!

Guy Next Door - Part 2

After a week's stay in a hotel, I just moved to an apartment closer to work. It's a studio with a tiny balcony overlooking the carpark. I have been busy all day organising the space. I have decided to live alone, as that would be a stressless option. I loved the location and comfort of facilities closer by. As I was enjoying the fresh Californian spring breeze, with a cup of coffee, in the balcony, the guy living next door came out to his balcony, banging the door. He was smoking and took every puff in quick succession. He threw the butt on the floor and took the next one and started smoking. He looked very tensed and restless. I can see an outraging anger on his face. He suddenly turned and looked at me sternly. I didn't know what to do, so I smiled. He murmured something, threw the cigar on the floor and went inside.

I slowly got addicted to this new independent, self-reliant life. It not only gives me confidence but also opened door to see the world with a different perspective. I have been living a door to door life. It had been home-school-home, then home-college-home and then home-work-home. But now, I am talking longer walks in the evenings, I go for shopping all by myself, I spend more time in the park and I smile more and talk less. I shared with my mom about the new me. But she always persisted in getting the next flight home.

I bought a purple coloured rose plant and settled it in the corner of my balcony. My favourite colour and my favourite flower. As I was watering the plant, the guy next door came to his balcony and looked nervous. He was looking down at the carpark and was in deep thoughts. I guess my humming disturbed him. He turned to my side, stared at me, tipped the cigarette butt off his finger and went inside. The butt landed on my new plant. Now, I am so furious and fuming.

"Excuse me", I screamed at the top of my voice.

He came out of his house.

"What do you want? What is bothering you? You smiled and now you want to talk. Are you trying to hit on me? Don't ever get any idea. I know about you girls. All you need is my wallet and willy. Isn't it?", he shouted at me and went inside. I stood still and my eyes were all wet.

I have hardly seen anyone being so rude to me. Inwardly I was seething and wanted to shout back, may be, slap him for his dirty thoughts - dirty thoughts about me. Let alone me, no girl would prefer a guy like him. His shaggy hair, unshaven face, cigarette smoke, dirty clothes, smelly him and above all his filthy words and dirty mind, can never be appealing to any girl, any girl like me.

The haunted incident started to fade away and I got very busy with my work, that I started to work longer hours, sometimes without food and sleep.

"Mom I am gonna be alright. It's just a fever. Nothing serious to worry about"

"I told you not to go at the first place. But you and your dad never listened to me", said mom over the phone.

"Mom please"

"Why don't you talk to your Manager and come back?"

"Mom I am working from home this week. I will be better soon. Please don't worry about me"

"I know you won't listen to me", said my mom. She is very upset that she couldn't be by my side when I am sick. She will be upset for days, even if I get the mildest of a scratch. I know every mom is like that. Even I might be like her, worrying about my kids day in and day out.

As far as I know, headache, blocked nose and sore throat are the worst combination ever. They can be handled separately, but not together. And all three are killing me right now. As I was about to fall asleep, a loud music from next door woke me up. It was too noisy. Any music will only be a noise, if you are sick. I was growing impatient and went to warn him. The very thought of him was nerve wracking. I hated to see him.

Guy Next Door - Part 3

He opened the door. All the sunken agony started to boil within me.

"Mister. I am not here to flirt with you. And I absolutely not interested in talking to you. All I need from you is to lower that damn music. Do you have any idea about what others are going through? It's obvious that you don't give a shit about others and you know what, no one gives a damn about you either. Don't think that you are a smart ass for every single girl to hit on you and right now you better stop that music"

"Is it? You better deal with it"

"Don't you dare", and I left the place.

I never felt this insulted before. It was an upsetting day for me. I have never been so hard with anybody. Once, when I was in my early teens, I was verbally fighting with my friend over the phone. My mom overheard the conversation. She told me that she was very upset over me, and that being hard with anyone can fetch nothing good. I still remember her saying that if you are hurt, its better to ignore that person rather than fighting with them. And that would make you feel better and will let you carry on with your life with no regrets. She was so true. I know this guy insulted me. But it's a shame that, I too behaved so badly and I regret.

Next day, I went to the balcony to water the roses, where I found a note stuck to the plant. It read, "sorry". The guy next door was standing in his balcony. When I looked at him, he raised his eyebrows and walked inside.

As days passed by, I saw him more frequently on his balcony. And I ignored him as much as possible. But I noticed one thing - his balcony floor was piling up with cigarette butts.

One evening, as I was having coffee in my balcony, I saw him standing without smoking.

"Hey can I borrow a smoke?"

Did I hear that clearly?

"Sorry?!"

"Can I borrow a smoke, I mean cigarette? I shall return it tomorrow"

Now that's another height of insult. I wanted to throw my coffee on him.

"I only dope", I said and went inside.

I shouldn't have said anything, but he got me on my nerves.

After few hours, I heard a knock. He was at my door. When I opened the door, he rushed inside and closed the door. I started to shiver. He hurriedly took few bills from his wallet and extended it to me.

"Can I get a pot?"

"!!?"

"Coke??"

"I have got diet coke"

"I mean drugs damn it"

I froze after hearing that. I wanted to cry out loud. I was trembling.

"I don't do any such thing. I told so 'cos I was irritated by your attitude. I am sorry"

"What?", he shouted and left my place. I thought he might hurt me. But he didn't. I was only trying to be sarcastic to deal with someone who shows attitude.

Guy Next Door - Part 4

I started to feel anxious after that incident and ignored talking with anybody, as much as possible. As days rolled by, my hatred towards him grew multifolds. I have seen people being rude and sarcastic. But, he is totally made up of rudeness, sarcasm, annoyance and infuriating attitude. Original piece!

After a long time, I got in touch with a friend of mine. I was messaging her and we had a good long chat. It was a feel good evening, with blossomed roses, coffee, balcony and fresh air. The back door opening to the balcony stayed closed in the next house. I guess that guy wasn't at home. That made me feel even better. I had a funny long conversation that I totally lost myself to the nostalgic moments we were talking about.

"Don't betray your boyfriend. Poor fellow."

A familiar voice! I was so into my phone that I didn't notice him standing in the balcony. He was starting an argument I suppose.

"What's your problem?"

"You girls are my problem. Every single one on the earth"

Now the quarrel is turning into a squabble.

"Can you please mind your limits?"

"Ya sure. If you girls can stay in limits, then no guy out other is going to be bothered"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean for God sake don't cheat on your boyfriend"

"What?!"

"I can see you happy, texting, smiling, talking to yourself like an idiot. But you are actually transforming someone into an idiot. Am I right?"

"Do you have any idea what others are going through? How could you be so judgemental and by the way who cares? I am talking to my school mate damn it. Look Mister, I am not bothered about your aversions. But keep that to yourself and don't ever try to annoy me. I guess your sisters are already having a tough time dealing with you"

"Thank God! I don't have any such damn elements in my life"

He was getting me on my nerves.

"Do you mean your mom too?"

He looked straight into my eyes. I am sure now he was pissed enough.

"If you dare talk about my mom, you are obliged to receive a tight slap", he said and went inside.

I was more than hurt after that incident and started to miss my dad. My dad is soft spoken, humble and an epitome of elegant qualities. He always makes people around him, feel good. He never deviated for a degree, from being a gentleman. But this guy is a disaster. His words are always polished with poison.

"Mom I am allright. I have just been to the Doctor's and he said that I am perfectly fine. It's just the after effects of having junk food all the time"

"There is no need for you to trouble yourself so much and achieve anything in life, baby. I know what you are capable of and please come back. I can't see you suffer"

"No mom. I had a busy time with my project going live. I won't have much pressure here after"

"Baby, you are too young to end up with anything serious like stomach ulcers"

"Mom, please don't imagine anything like that and worry yourself. It's nothing but just a common stomach ache. I will start cooking again and eat healthy. I am going to be fine"

I have had some severe pain in my abdomen for a while. Doctor was suspicious that it could be something serious and told me to take a series of tests. I did not disclose all that to my mom. She has always been a scaredy baby. I am feeling low because of this health concerns, but I am not scared. And that awful encounter with that guy next door has been keeping me low as well. I stopped going to the balcony and kept the door closed. I hardly go there for a couple of minutes to water the plants. My health issue, mental agony and work pressure had made me sick. I started losing on my spirit. 

Guy Next Door - Part 5

One day, when I went to the balcony to water the plants, I found a new pot of white roses, with a note saying "Sorry!". It's him. I never bothered and threw away the note. But I love roses, so I watered it. Again next day, I saw a 'Sorry' note on my front door. It's him, again. I threw it away, again.

After a while, I heard a knock on my front door. It's him, but I did not wanted to answer. He kept knocking every few minutes and I felt like he won't leave me alone unless I answer.

"Yes?!!", I said.

"Hi! I just want to have a word with you"

"What is it?"

"May I come in, please?"

"OK"

He sat on a chair and I stood near the passage that leads to the front door, just in case if I have to run away.

"I actually came in to apologise for everything that I said and done to you. I was going through a bad phase of my life and did not realise that I have been spreading bitterness. Unnecessarily I had hurt you a lot, for no fault of yours. I did not initially had the guts to apologise. So I left the notes. But I knew that it would be a worst gesture to hurt you right in front of your face and to hide away when I wanted to apologise. So, I am sorry about everything. I won't trouble you anymore. I am leaving US soon and going back to Bangalore. I am sorry again", he said and left the place.

I started to feel much better. He wasn't the same guy that I have been seeing all these days. There was a complete transformation, both in his looks and attitude. His coiffure, shaven face, attire and especially his smell - everything was so fresh. More than that, he was very submissive, humble and pleasant. To top it up, he apologised to me. That was indeed a good gesture. I was feeling good after a long time.

Now a days, other than watering the plants, I had one more reason to stay in my balcony. I found a good friend in him and we were already having nice conversations. One evening, he invited me for dinner at a restaurant. As I already started to feel comfortable with him, I agreed. It was a good long evening. But at the end, I returned home with a heavy heart. As I always beleived, 'you can't be judgemental about anyone without knowing their journey'. I made the same mistake of being judgemental, without knowing what he was going through. That evening, he openly shared with me about his 'bad phase' of life. I can still remember his words.

"My only lovable brother, left me and my parents to suffer and committed suicide. He was sincerely in love with a girl and did everything possible, just to see her happy. My parents agreed to their wedding and everything was in place. But she left him and went with another wealthier goose. The word spread across our family, friends and business contacts and everyone was either sympathising him or criticising him. He lived the life of a lunatic and left us forever. Our lives turned miserable and I was totally devastated. He was my only companion in the whole world and I always felt him next to my mom. I was in shock and did not cry. As days passed by, I started to vent out my anger on everyone. I spoke only to my parents and shut myself away from the day and night of this world. Then my parents decided to send me off somewhere for a while, until I get back to the normal me. So I came here to stay with my friend."

I was dumbstruck after hearing that. I always wanted a sister or a brother myself. Sometimes I used to be very jealous, when I see my friends happy with their siblings. But to lose your brother or a sister, after having grown up with them, laughed with them, fought with them and lived every moment with them, is the worst thing that could happen. I couldn't accept the truth and didn't know how to convince him either.

He continued, "Every day, my mom used to talk to me and advice me to overcome the pain and to move on. She is a strong lady. She fought cancer and came back for us. We three were her world. To lose her child would be the toughest punishment that life can give her. But she was showing confidence and concealed her pain to save me. But she was disappointed when I told her about the series of upsetting incidents with you. She cried and did not speak a word. That instant I started to cry. And for the next few days, I cried my heart out and slowly came back to my senses. Now, my mom is convinced and she is waiting to welcome me."

I had nothing to say. I never knew that life could be this tougher. Probably I was hallucinating all these days, that life is beautiful. But it doesn't seem to be. I was wondering that something miserable might be waiting for me.

He left after a week and I started to feel aloof. Though he gave me his contact details, I did not wanted to call him or mail him. I started to miss him. Everyday in that balcony, kept bringing back all the memories, that were once miserable but not anymore. 

Guy Next Door - Part 6

The feeling of self reliance is always combated by the feeling of solitude. Every human brain is a stand alone machine, but every human heart wants another loving heart in its vicinity. Especially for an overprotected child like me, I always wanted someone by my side. My mom, my bestie and recently that guy who lived in the next door. Lot of people walk into and very soon walk out of our lives. But some people are stuck in our mind, that we remember them for our lifetime.

After my term at US, I returned back home. My parents were more than happy to see me. I took few days off work and my mom stuffed me with all my favourite foods. She had even bought me a new collection of salwar to use from now on. They were all stunning and I could feel my mom's touch in every piece. She always liked pleasant colours and contradicting dupattas. Her choice of jewellery were always simple.

After my days off, I decided to report back to work, but this time in Bangalore. I have decided to leave my parents and stay away. I know I am doing it for good. But I can't explicitly tell why. I can't rob my parents off their peace.

"Mom I am taking up a project in Bangalore office. I am leaving tomorrow"

"How dare you do this without consulting us"

"Mom don't I know what is good for my career?"

"It doesn't matter. You are getting married soon. And after you have kids, you are not going to work. So don't worry too much about your career"

"Mom how could you decide all these?"

"Like how you did right now"

"Alright. If this is your decision, then I am going back to US and I am never coming back" and I went into my room.

My dad convinced both of us and my parents let me go to Bangalore. Still, my mom wasn't fully convinced.

In Bangalore, I stayed in the working women's hostel. I did not wanted to rent a house nor preferred sharing. Back to my solitude!

I was unable to get that guy out of my mind. Especially, after moving to Bangalore, I wished that I would see him somewhere, at least once. But it's been more than a month and I never saw him anywhere. One day, as I went through the marketplace, I saw a newly renovated  building. The board on it read, "Rishi Co.". I remembered this name. It was his' accountancy firm on the name of his late brother. His family wanted to start this firm in Bangalore, after his brother's wedding and to gift it to him. But things went the other way. Anyways, I was happy to see that he has moved on and wasn't mourning any more. Suddenly, my heart started to pump faster and my eyes were racing to get a glimpse of his, through the glass door. There he was! More smarter than ever, big smile, professional attire and enthusiastic. He was standing behind the door and was talking with someone. I did not wanted him to notice me. But I did not wanted to leave either. Still, I thought it would be the stupidity act to talk him, when he was already overflowing with life.

I turned away and started to walk, when I heard that familiar voice say, "Hi!".

Yes it was him. More than handsome ever. His lovely smile, charm and his smell, brought tears. But I cleverly concealed it. We were meeting after an year and I was thrilled to see him. But he looked very composed. We had an informal chat for a couple of minutes and I moved away.

From then on, we have been messaging each other. I was so glad that he replied me instantly every time I messaged him. I started to feel happier than ever. I loved reading his messages over and over and preserved them all. I knew I am already in love with him. But he was keeping his distance. I never wanted him to love me. I was more than happy to receive messages from him.

One day, I finished my work very late and was standing in the bus stop. It was raining heavily. I got drenched and was shivering in cold. A white Audi stopped by the side of the bus stop. I received a call in my mobile. It was him and he was the one in the car as well. I sat by his side at the front. The front passenger seat was more spacious than my dad's Alto. I know it's crazy to compare Alto and Audi. But the feeling that I get in Alto is what I am experiencing in this Audi. It's not about the car, but the man sitting next to me. There were lot of road closures and due to heavy rain, the way to my hostel was flooded. I had no other option than to go to his flat and stay with him for the night.

Guy Next Door - Part 7 (Final)

His flat was so modern and interiors were mind blowing. But you can find the signs of bachelor living here and there. I liked the place, but loved it for one and only one reason - he was living there. Anywhere with him would be the best place I suppose. I was wet and water was dripping from my Salwar. I then realised that his car seat would have gone wet too. If it had been my dad, he would have been mourning the whole night. But this guy did not even react. He noticed that I was soaked up and let me use the facility to freshen up. Alas! I did not had any changing clothes. So he offered me his loungewear. I was feeling shy to wear it. But I started to feel insane as soon as I had his clothes on. I felt like I was hugging him nice and tight. All the hormones started to rumble from within. My breathe was heavier and my legs felt light. My hands started to embrace myself and was already floating. This magical feeling stopped suddenly, when I realised that he was waiting outside in the lounge.

I went out to the lounge. He was looking me up and down and I was feeling shy. I couldn't look at him. My fingers started to squeeze each other. But then he laughed so hard and said, "you look like a zombie in a baggy". Ya right. That was very romantic. I know my eyes are droopy, carry huge bags under my eye, my gloss was all gone, my make up was not on, my hair is out of style and on top of it, this shabby baggy pyjamas. Of course I looked like a zombie and no way closer to be being seductive.

He offered me dinner and kept laughing at me now and then. He was hopeless. I felt like spending the night with a nine year old kid.

"Shall we watch a movie?", he asked.

Well that's a good start. "Sure"

"Here comes the movie", and he sat next to me.

That looked like a familiar movie. DISASTER!!! He was playing Jurassic Park. Unbelievable!?

"I loved this movie ever since my childhood. I love watching it over and over. I love dinosaurs too"

'Ya they are already extinct and you are the last one of your type', I thought.

He was talking about that movie making, types of dinosaurs and other topics irrelevant to the night. But nothing got into my head. The magical delusion that I experienced just before, started to cuddle me again. His shoulder was rubbing me as he dramatically waved his hands on the air while talking. I felt little dizzy and laid my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and stayed still. Dinosaur roars stopped suddenly. I guess he switched off the TV. But I did not react. He gently patted on my cheek, to wake me up. But I did not respond. I was waiting to see what he was about to do next. Still, I didn't open my eyes. He softly carried me in his arms and laid me down on the bed. I opened my eyes, and got hold of his collars. I pulled him towards me and he fell over me. He looked at me with no clue. He tried to move away from me, but I threw my arms around his neck and held him tightly. We looked at each other for a couple of minutes. We were as much closer as possible. A lustful spark, set fire to all the hormones and we played the game. I knew what I was doing. I tempted him, seduced him and literally forced him. I wanted that to happen, that night, for I knew it would never ever happen again.

I did not sleep the whole night. He was lying by my side sound asleep, and I was simply admiring him, even in the dimmest night lamp. He was the most wonderful man. I felt my love was complete and I did justice to that. I wanted to tell him how much I love him, but never I am going talk about that. I lived a whole night with him. That was already handful to me and the happiness was too heavy to carry in heart.

After that night, every day was like a dream with him. He started to show more concerns and affection towards me. Overnight, I got promoted from being a friend to girlfriend. You can never find such an innocent fellow. Very pure and modest. Original piece!!! But I knew, everything won't make any sense in the future. He wanted to take our relationship to the next level. He wanted to marry me and start a family. I wished too. But I did not agree.

After a couple of weeks' romance, I was returning home by train. I have vacated my hostel room. I have taken a long leave. But I never told him anything and I left without informing him. I neither informed my parents that I am returning home. I love sitting on the window seat in a train and watch the world pass by quickly. I wanted to do that for one last time. I got my stomach pain back and now I took double dose of painkillers. Doctor advised me to get admitted as soon as possible but I knew it would be in vain. Instead of wasting my last few days in  the hospital, I thought I would spend my precious little time with my parents. I was diagnosed with Peritonitis. The Doctors found this, when I fell sick in the US. I did not had the guts to tell this to my parents. I know they would be devastated. I can't see them like that and to hide away the truth from them, I hid myself. I told none about this. The long awaited miserable phase of my life had finally arrived. But the unexpected pleasant surprise was the love phase. Falling in love was the most cryptical, unfathomable feeling. And to find your love being reciprocated is incomprehensible. I know he will get to know when I am gone, and he will be shattered for the second time. But this time, I believe that he would pick himself up and get composed soon.

"Reshu", my mom came running to the front gate when I reached home. Her face was full of smiles. She wasn't expecting me and she would have never expected, what was about to happen. For next few days, my parents kept celebrating me. I ignored visiting them since I went to Bangalore. I spoke lesser and lesser over the phone as well. So they were happy to see an 'old' me. Still, my mom felt something strange with me. She kept asking me to go to Doctors with her. I managed to convince her that it was because of my work pressure and issues with the project. Meanwhile, I kept receiving messages from him as well. He was mad at me that, I never told him before I left. Silly boy of mine! He did not had the clue that I am going to leave him forever.

Today, I think is the day. I was feeling nervous and restless. I looked dull. My dad took a day off his work. They were trying hard to convince me, to see a Doctor. But I know it's not going to do any good. Just before lunch, I came to my room to lie down for a bit. My mom told me that she will cook all my favourites for lunch. I was listening to all the sounds of the world. I started to feel that I won't be hearing them again. I was listening to my parents' conversation. They were planning to buy some gold jewellery that evening.

My mom came to my room and said, "Reshu, lunch is ready. Get Up". I opened my eyes, looked at her for one last time and closed them. "Poor girl she is so tired", she said and went away. I can feel my soul is slowly detaching. All the noises started to fade away. My breathe is much slower. My hands and legs have gone numb.

My life quickly flashed through. My mom, dad, house, my friends, my love - everyone and everything came in a sequence. People say, everyone will regret for one thing or the other, when they are on their deathbed. But honestly, I don't have any regrets. I have lived my life as a daughter, student, friend, lover and wife too. God always takes back his beloved people on earth sooner. I am happy that I am god's most beloved child. Good Bye!

Golden Robe - Part 1

The room was solid dark with an exception of table lamp illuminating a circle of one metre diameter, on a bed side table. The room exhibited Victorian style even in its minimal visibility. Closer to the side table, at the corner of the bed, was a girl, sitting still, staring at the lamp shade. She was wearing a golden satin robe. Her hair was open and her face shone as bright as her robe. A hand stretched out and touched her from behind. Her eyes widened and she smiled. The hand pulled her robe down. Her face turned pink and her hands went across her chest. The hand slowly caressed up her spine and clenched the hair just above her neck. When she turned to her right, she saw the hand moving gently over the right shoulder. The hand was horrible with oozing tumours, scaly skin, darkened nails and looked ghosty. She was frightened to death and screamed out of fear. When she opened her eyes, Mythili realised it was just a dream, a very bad dream indeed. She was sweating profusely and her throat dried up. It was 12.30 am. She drank some water and managed to get some sleep.

Golden Robe - Part 2

The next day morning, Mythili felt restless as she got ready to work. It's the hangover from the nightmare. Though she felt it was a silly dream, the thought kept lingering. She was reluctant to go to work as she was moved out of her project a week ago and yet to be allocated to a new one. She hastily checked her emails, as she knew it's gonna be full of good mornings and forwarded mails from her friends. But, today she has  received an official mail, regarding her new project. 'Finally' she thought. She noted down the details listed in the mail and went to meet her new Project Manager, briskly.

Name board outside the cubicle read 'Varun Rajendran'.

"Good morning Varun, I am Mythili", she said.

'Wow!!! So handsome he is', she thought.

"Good morning Mythili, please take your seat", said Varun.

'Oh my God, what a manly voice',  she thought.

She had a discussion with him roughly for 20 minutes. Out of that 20 minutes, she spent most of her time in admiring his gelled hair, clean shaven face, his rimless specs, pressed shirt without a crease, his perfume, a gold ring on right hand, his watch and at times tried listening to his discourse on the project too.

'Awww, he is so picture perfect. He looks so young. PM at this age??? Should be way too smart at work. Will he be taller than me? Should be...' and she chuckled to herself as she walked back to her seat.

She had the same terrific dream and woke up at 12.30 am. She was scared and perplexed. She wanted to call for her mom, but she knew that her mom would be definitely upset. So she decided not to tell her mom. Instead, she decided to go to the temple before she left to work.

Next day, Mythili had one more reason to rejoice other than Varun. She was allocated a cubicle diagonally opposite to Varun's. She can very clearly observe him from her seat and of course he can also notice that this lady is drooling at him.

'Oh dear me!!! I should be cautious not to stare at him as he notices me now and then. It would look silly for a girl to be like that. But he doesn't seem to bother me at all. Well that's why he is already a Project Manager. Still, thank you God for this. Hmmm....he is gorgeous'.

Golden Robe - Part 3

In the following weeks, Varun helped Mythili to settle down with the project, her role, scope and smooth transition into his team. She was overwhelmed by his attitude and humbleness. Also, she was highly impressed by his intelligence and shrewdness. 'A perfect guy, dream boy just like my favourite Shahrukh', she thought. She kept looking at him more often, and when Varun notices it, she would pretend to look at the cubicles next to Varun's or caress her hair or look at the ceiling or any such gesture, which absolutely made her look like a stupid.

Everyday, Mythili's affinity towards him grew more. She did not wanted to call it as infatuation, crush or any other 'escape'ism term. She is very clear that she is in love with him. But, she did not had the slightest hope that Varun would also be interested in her. She did not had the guts to open her heart to him either. 'I don't want to look silly. A girl proposing a guy is not my style. What if he laughs at my face? What if he makes fun of my feelings? What if he looks down on me? No he won't do that. He has an awesome attitude and I have never ever seen him like that. Inspite of making biggest blunders at work, his attitude towards me never changed. But its obvious that he is less interested on me. So no point in opening up myself to him', she thought. All the excitements are nothing much than a burden in her heart.

To top up with her agony, the dream recurred everyday and she started to feel sick mentally. The dream did not haunt her anymore as she was overflowing with thoughts of Varun. She stayed awake at nights for a longer time these days, just to stare at Varun's profile picture on FB. She tried to ping him many times when she saw him online. But he hardly responded. As her sleep went down, so does the recurring dream.

Golden Robe - Part 4

Mythili started to feel so awkward at work these days. Varun wasn't smiling back at her whenever she smiled at him. He avoided eye contact in the meetings. He would talk lesser and lesser everyday. She felt that he is avoiding her. She is all upset, down and tired.

One Friday night, as she was looking at FB, as always, she received a message from Varun, asking to take her out for a coffee next day. Mythili was dumbstruck. She least expected this. She immediately replied yes and was over the top of the moon. She was immensely happy that soon she went to sleep after so many sleepless nights. But the dreadful dream woke her up at 12.30 am. She did not scream this time. The very thought of Varun calmed her down instantly.

She was rejoicing the next day about the coffee retreat. She was busy sorting out her attire for the evening. She was all super excited. In the evening, she arrived at the shop punctually and looked stunning. Her heart pounded when she saw him in jeans and black T-shirt. 'Just like Shahrukh', she thought.

"Hi Mythili", greeted Varun with a big smile.

'Is he alright? Totally a different he', she thought.

"Hi Varun. How are you?"

"Wonderful"

'Awww the mesmerising smile!!!'

"So, why is this meeting for Varun?"

'Looks like he had a haircut today. Cutie.'

He didn't say a word, but kept smiling.

'Oh! my doll looks happy and nervous.'

"What would you like to have Mythili? I love cold coffee in this shop"

"I too love cold coffee"

"Really?"

'Yes baby. I like whatever YOU like.'

As the coffee is being served, Mythili broke the silence, "What is the matter Varun? You look very happy"

'Yes he is happy, excited, nervous and fishing for words. What is this?? I feel butterflies inside?!! Oh goosebumps, my legs gone numb, hands are trembling and couldn't breathe. I think... I think he is going to propose me.'

"I am getting married Mythili"

"What?"

"Ya I am getting married soon. I am marrying my lady love. My most beautiful treasure, meaning of my life and my sweet little baby"

'To hell with you and your girl'

"Mythili I never knew my parents would immediately accept and acknowledge my love for her. Everything fell into places with ease" and he continued to praise his girl. Non-stop.

'God this is the worst thing that could happen to me. I have been in love with this idiot and suffered so much pain just to find out that he likes someone else. Why is he doing this? Is he really dumb, not to understand me and my love? No he is not. He is smart enough. That's why he called me over to give a lecture about his girl friend. Did I ask him all this? How could he be so mean? If he is not interested, he should have told a 'no' to me or walked away from me. Is he trying to be oversmart? I have been going crazy about him day in and day out. But, he is now teasing me and my feelings. How could he do this to me?'

"How could you do this to me?", she shouted with tears rolling down her cheeks, interrupting him.

Varun sat still and stared at her.

'Oh my God. To hell with my mind voice'

"Sorry Varun I didn't mean to say that. My mistake. I am sorry. Congratulations to you and your girl", she said and stood up to walk away.

"Sit down Mythili", said Varun sternly.

She stood still.

"Sit down", he said with a tint of anger in his voice.

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes. Mythili kept looking down at the table.

Varun placed a small box on the table and gently pushed it towards her.

"Open it for me please, Mythili", he said.

She was reluctant to touch it.

"Will you please open it?", he said in a sharp tone.

Mythili was fuming with anger and tension. She opened the box with utmost hatred. She unwrapped the 'thing'. It was a heart made of glass with 'I love you', engraved on it, in golden colour.

She looked puzzled. Her hands were trembling. She looked at him with tears.

"Mythili, I love you. I knew you least expected this. I knew you were in love with me. But, I didn't know that I too was in love with you. I have noticed many times that you go restless whenever you sit closer to me, that you smile at me a million times a day, that your face go pink whenever I smile back, that you fill your writing pad with my name, that you come up to me with stupid doubts just to talk to me and that you like me more every day. I wasn't sure initially and thought it was a joke. So I stayed away from you and avoided you. But then, you looked  miserable. You stopped smiling, you stopped concentrating on your work, always you stayed low and the

Iife that I saw in you was fading away. And that gave me more and more pain in my heart. I then realised it wasn't a joke and you were serious. I also knew that you will never open your mouth and thought I would propose you, without wasting any more time", he said and smiled at her gracefully.

He continued,"You were looking extraordinarily beautiful today and well prepared for a proposal. So just for fun I told you that my marriage is fixed and blah blah blah. Goodness me! You were so furious that I expected you to shout at me or probably even hit me. But I am glad, you didn't."

She looked at him with zero emotions. "Hey Mythili, I love  you", he said. He waited to see her smile. But instead, she started crying.

Golden Robe - Part 5 (Final)

Mythili, now had a happy reason to stay awake longer at nights. She spent most of her time talking and messaging Varun. She was more than happy to marry her love, with consent and blessings from her parents. And can't wait to be married. Still, she was getting that scary dream whenever she sleeps early.

She shared about the recurring dream with Varun. But he laughed out hard and teased her. Even though she felt bad, she was happy to see him laugh hard. After all, that is all she wanted - to see him happy.

Long awaited wedding day arrived and both Mythili and Varun looked their best on their day. Mythili couldn't get enough of it and was overwhelming with tear and joy. The two lovely hearts were united in the holy harmony of marriage.

Two days later, they flew to Swiss for honeymoon. The hotel is a refurbished old Victorian palace, which still preserved its antiquity. They both were drop dead tired with series of rituals, ceremonies and wedding nights. They slept through the day and went out for dinner in the evening. Mythili loved the place, especially the room they stayed. This was her first international trip and coincidentally her honeymoon too. So she was double excited and happy.

On that night, Varun gave her a box. She eagerly opened it and found a golden Robe in it. But she couldn't find any night gown to go with it.

"Where is the gown Varun?"

"Do we really need the gown on our honeymoon night?"

She smiled and turned all pink.

She decked up herself and wore the Robe. She was too shy to go near him and sat on the corner of the bed. Varun felt more love, urging through his heart. He switched off the lights one by one, admiring her smile and shyness. The room turned solid dark with an exception of table lamp illuminating a circle of one metre diameter, on the bed side table next to her. The room exhibited its Victorian style, even in the minimal visibility. Her face shone as bright as her robe. But, she felt an acquainted fear racing through her mind. She felt a touch from behind. Her eyes widened and she smiled. Her robe was pulled down. Her face turned pink and her hands went across her chest. She was mesmerised by the gentle strokes up her spine and the tight clench of the hair, just above her neck. When she turned to her right, she saw,a hand.

----**** END ****----

Game Called Love - Part 1

Mythili, a cute little girl at her early twenties. She is not gorgeous, not so fair, but a pleasant looking girl. She is highly oriented towards culture. She prefers visiting temples, than hang outs with college buddies. She is the first girl from her native village to study in college. She has earned respects back at her home town. She is little less than a genius. But performs well in her academics. There were so many stumbling blocks in pursuing college education, though her family is residing in the city since her father got a job. But, her quick wit convinced people and now she is in her last semester. Just a couple of months to leave college.

Campus interviews were mounting up in the college. This young girl managed to get a good hit with a renowned MNC. She worked hard for exams and achieved ‘Distinction’ too. She is now going to face the real world.

Today is her first day in the office. She became spellbound when she first saw highly raised office buildings. So many thoughts raced in her mind. “God! Is it really true that am a part of such a big organization? The architecture itself entices me a lot”. She stood gazing at the office for a couple of minutes. Then she made a first step into the office – a first step into her professional life, indeed!

She is quite selective about her friends, but she is not an introvert. She is happy with her few friends as her world is so small and she is highly contented about it. Life to her means a pleasant journey and she had moulded herself to learn from things that occur in every moment of her life. She believes in her own principles, even her dressing sense cannot be criticized by others. She argues but never altercates.

She is amused to see girls in low waist jeans and skirts at workplace, because workplace is worship place for her! She is in her salwar with her duppattas neatly pinned. She hates free hair and always prefers plaits. She approached the receptionist who had countable number of make-up coats. “God! How these girls manage to make-up in the busy morning hours and have it intact?”.

Game Called Love - Part 2

The charming receptionist gave Mythili all information related to her training. Mythili felt a river of enthusiasm flowing through her body. She is bit thrilled too. She is going to meet her ‘Colleagues’. But above all, she had mentally prepared herself to face new people. She had decided not to go for any Best Friend / Close Friend kind of stuff and to concentrate only on her career. The relationship she had decided to maintain with her ‘Colleagues’ has been called by her as ‘Professional Relationship’. (What on earth is this?!).

She saw few buddies waiting in the training room. She rushed and occupied one of the seats next to girl who had dressed up much similar to her. She is bit afraid of and reluctant towards girls who are very Modern in their dressing sense.

The training started with good introduction about the company, followed by technical training. She made sure that she performs well in the training and gain maximum knowledge. All she knew during her training was her trainer and the computer allotted to her. She completed all her assignments on time and stood first in the final assessment after training.

“Thank you my dear God! I have achieved my first milestone of excellence in training. Now that I am allotted into this project and please be there by my side to support me to achieve my next milestone of excellence at work. Hey I need to tell this to you. I have so many such milestones ok? I will tell them one by one to you. I don’t want to confuse you. Bubye”. This was her instructions (so called prayer!!!) to lord Ganesh idol in her room, on the first day of work after training.

She was puzzled to know about her first team. As per the instructions, she approached her Manager, got her cubicle and got brief information about the work. Her Manager introduced to her immediate boss, Arun. Arun is a young dynamic chap with 2+ years of experience in the industry. He is always sticks a smile in his mouth. Curly hair, cool specs, not too tall, not too lean and very attractive. “Wow! This guy is too handsome”, felt Mythili. But, “No Mythili! You are here for work. It is bad to have such thoughts…. Forgive me God!”, was her reaction towards herself.

Arun introduced Mythili to the Team. The team consisted of Anitha, Jenny, Jaya, Vivek and Vinodh. Anitha is bit less than replica of Mythili. “Thank you God!”. Jenny is too lavishing in her formal suit. “Hmmm… how these girls are so pale, but claim themselves fair?”. Jaya is not so modern like Jenny but not so homely too. “She is ok”. Vivek always stares at the monitor with headphones plugged in his ears all the time. “Is he fine? Anything wrong with him?”. Vinodh is a cool guy. No worries, no pains and life is only full of fun for him. “How can a guy be so cool? Sounds like he is very irresponsible?”.

Her cubicle is in the middle of the team. To her left sits Jenny and to her right sits Arun. “God! Arun is seated next to me. How can I work effectively and reach my next milestone?.... No Mythili! You are here for achieving in life and not for losing yourself in the game of life”.

Arun explained various modules involved in the project. He allotted some work for her. She is thrilled to take up her first module. Arun explained her about the module she need to finish and gave an ending note, “Mythili, don’t get frightened. It is you first job and first module. I am always there for you. I shall always help you!”. She was moved by his words.

Game Called Love - Part 3

In the following weekend, she rang up to her friend and was narrating about her project, her team, stylish Jenny, funny Vivek and enticing Arun. Her friend Suchi had never seen Mythili talking about a guy for such a long time. It aroused so many questions to Suchi. Being a dearest friend, she asked Mythili, “Dear what is up with you? I have never seen you talking so much about any guy. I could still remember how you blasted poor Raj from our college when he proposed you. You had strong belief in Arranged Marriage and had always claimed that ‘Love’ is a humbug. Now, I can’t believe that your company and its atmosphere had mounted so much change in you. Hey buddy what happened? Is it…”, “Hey stop it!”, interrupted Mythili. “Look I just told you that my boss is good and caring. I have read somewhere that, across the world, every sub-ordinate will dislike his / her boss. But it is not so in my case. I am happy about my boss. He is funny, caring and helpful. Nothing more. Still I believe that ‘Love’ is humbug. Do you think that I am such a cheap to go behind a guy forgetting my family and my future? How dare you ask me such a question? For your information, we have friends since sixth standard and it is since 10 years. I know how much my dad struggled to earn every penny and I would never dump them. And you please...”,”Hey cool cool!”, interrupted Suchi. “Cool it dear. I know you dear. I am sorry if I had troubled you!”.”Hey that is ok Suchi. Ok. Keep in touch. Bubye”, said Mythili.

The conversation is over and Mythili had a feeling that she had answered Suchi’s questions. But, she could feel that Suchi’s questions were still resonating in her mind. She rushed into her room and locked it. She sat in one corner of the bed and spoke to herself. “Mythili! What happened to you? How come your dearest Suchi ask you such a question? She really doubted whether you are in ‘Love’. Oh god! You are not that kind of a person. Out of so many troubles you were able to join college and now earning decently. Your parents have tons of hope on you. You know that they have so many dreams about your marriage. You are very much aware that love marriage is not your style. You are born to achieve and bring laurels to your parents and not dump them. You are very blessed that you have a cute little family. You are the world for Mom, Dad and Chinnu. You are bit confused and for sure this is not Love. This is not even worth to be infatuation. Don’t get confused Darling! Be clear”. Then she rushed to her bathroom and washed her face thoroughly. She felt herself relaxed. She went out of her room and sat in the drawing room with her mom.

Her family is as small as a bird’s nest, filled only with love, affection and happiness. Her mom Lakshmi is her closest friend, next to Suchi. She remembers not even a single instance, when her dad Murthy, had said ‘NO’ to her wishes. Her brother Chandran is a techy geek. He can talk about any technical topic. He loves his sister more than anything in this world. He supported her during her struggle to take up college education. He is working in Bangalore. He used to surprise her with amazing gifts, every time he visits home. Her grandma Muthammal is an orthodoxy lady. She used to say bed time stories to Mythili. She is excellent in her creativity. She had made so many stories about Kings never heard of. Mythili always call her granny as a ‘Heterogeneous mixture of Rowling and Kipling’.

Lakshmi enquired Mythili about her comforts in office and suggested to quit if she finds the job to be difficult. Her granny always disliked her working. Her only concern is to get Mythili married off to a well settled boy. Still, Mythili convinced them all and exhibited her happiness on getting her dream job.